my next painting I wanted to do one more positive and forward thinking.
One night after a rough day, I picked an angel card and received Courage.
It described building a shield around yourself to protect yourself from
negativity. I struggled with an image for several days. At first I envisioned
a metal shield like a soldier, that I held with one arm and with the
other arm I tucked Ethan and Jordan behind me. I tried some drawings
not get the body with the intensity I wanted. Then I saw myself kneeling
supporting a shield of curved light. This led to the warrior stance of
the painting, pushing the negativity out. I was going to collage and
then do a purple colour wash over it. In the collage, I was braver in
using our wedding photo. Not caring about disguising it. I did not have
purple paint, so I began to mix colours. They were darker then I wanted.
I added white. In the end, the collage was basically covered with pieces
up. It resonated with me. I am putting the past behind me. Underneath,
beyond the protective light, the past is trying to push up. The bubble
came from a Dora book I read with Ethan. Unicornio stamped his feet and
placed a shield around him and Dora to protect them from the dragon.
The picture showed the shield like a bubble around them. This cemented
my image for my shield as a bubble of light that protects me from all
sides. I needed to have Jordan and Ethan inside the shield with me. I
have taken this painful journey for them. Ethan, my baby still, at almost
5 years old, is completely sheltered under my legs. Jordan, already so
perceptive and mature at almost 10 is in front with me. I know
he would want to help me strengthen the shield. I try to hold this painting
in my head and heart, when I feel discouraged and sad.
This is one of my favourite paintings. It captures how much energy
it took to drive away the ugliness that threatened to engulf me. I
hang it in my bedroom and it reminds me of how far I have come and
what I have been able to do. I still need that courage. The words pushing
at the shield: Anger, Panic, Bitterness, Defeat, Frustration and Worry
continue to surface, though less often than they did 2 years ago.